I am furiously sad. You know the time where you’re seething and yet you can’t stop sobbing? That’s where I am right now, and I’m just so ridiculously mad at myself. One of the worst things about me is that I get my hopes up too easily. I always assume that things are going to work exactly as I fucking planned them in my head, and then when they don’t meet my imaginational expectations, I get so depressed that I can barely breathe. And then I wind up hurting people. I wind up hurting myself.
I should know better by now. I should know that God likes to test me. And I should know better than to resort to tears and remarks that perhaps I shouldn’t say. And I should really stop dancing around the subject, because I’m just making matters more confusing for anyone who reads this. Does anyone even read this anymore? Tonight I almost wish that no one did, just so I could be uninhibited. I’ll do my best to pretend that there’s no audience, but I doubt I’ll be able to convey everything I feel. I need to protect people. I need to protect myself.
I was supposed to go see Tim on Saturday. I was supposed to show up at YSU to see the marching band show at four. I was supposed to hang out with Tim for the rest of the night, and go back to school sometime on Sunday. I had this in my head since we brought it up the other night, and I had this picture of how things were going to be, and I hate myself for that. Because Tim told me tonight that the drumline has to play at 10 p.m. Meaning that he may not be done until 11 or after that. Meaning that the picture that I built up is not reality.
And then it happened, the furious sadness came on like it always does. I hate circumstances so much. I hated them last year when I would come home and Tim couldn’t see me because of the play, or marching band or work. It was nothing he could control, and I would just get so mad. I never said anything about this to him. And I never blamed him. I was just so mad at the world. I just want to be cut a break.
And I know I shouldn’t be so despondent, because at least I have him. At least he’s there to call, and to hope to see even if I don’t get to see him. But I’m so sick of this feeling. I hate getting so worked up and then just run down. And I told him that I’m sick of this, and I think he might have taken it the wrong way.
Actually, I don’t know how he took what I said, because he went to bed. And I know a chunk of it is probably him blaming himself, but I don’t want to be the cause of his anguish. And I know he doesn’t want to be the cause of mine. But I don’t know what he’s thinking as he’s sleeping, or attempting to sleep over there. I don’t know what’s rolling around in his mind, and that scares me because I know how just one statement can make you question everything.
And what it boils down to is that I just want to see him. I know I think too far ahead, but I know I will not get the opportunity to see him for awhile if this does not work out. And I’m too drained to put my faith in this weekend working out, because if I fall again, it’s just going to hurt even more. I just wish I could call him and see what’s in his head. Because I don’t want to hurt him. I just want to resolve.
No resolution tonight, I suppose.
I just want to be with him. That’s all.
Before - After
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